The Golden Globes are here once more to celebrates some of the best offerings in the worlds of both television and film, with this year's CBS ceremony (which is also streaming with a Paramount+ subscription) being hosted by stand-up comedian and roast expert Nikki Glaser, who said she's bringing a balanced approach to the jokes for the event. Join me in seeing how much she's stays on task in that respect during our live blog below. (And for those who just want a cheat sheet, here's our full list of this year's winners!)
Nikki Glaser takes the stage with an Ozempic joke and more semi-topical subjects, but without the usual barb that fans are used to. A few early highlights:
- "'Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch' These are not just words that Ben Affleck yells after an orgasm."
- Giving Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet, and Colin Farrell justified props for being both movie stars and TV stars.
- On Challengers: "That movie was more sexually charged than Diddy's credit card."
- faux congrats to Tilda Swinton being up for her role as Timothée Chalamet
- On Babygirl: "I give it two fingers up."
Despite being as PG-13 as Glaser gets, the monologue was fine enough, and ended with a pointed joke about Dwayne Johnson right before introducing him as one of the first two presenters: "The point of art is to make a tequila brand so popular that you never have to make art again."
AWARD #1: Best Performance By A Female Actor In A Supporting Role - Motion Picture goes to Zoe Saldaña for Emilia Pérez!
Not quite sure why Mindy Kaling and Kate Hudson's presenter jokes were played as catty, but it led to...
AWARD #2: Best Performance By A Female Actor In A Television Series – Musical Or Comedy perhaps unsurprisingly goes to Jean Smart for Hacks, months after she took home the Emmy for her role as Debra.
As the first commercial break aired, I mourned Kathryn Hahn's loss for Agatha All Along, but maybe in the rumored second season.
After the first break, Nikka Glaser reappeared in a striking new dress to introduce the next set of presenters, Ariana DeBose and Ke Huy Quan, who are clearly my choices for a future True Detective season.
AWARD #3: Best Performance By A Male Actor In A Supporting Role - Motion Picture goes to Kieran Culkin for A Real Pain. It's his second Globe win, following his Succession success, and he kicked his speech off with a joke about taking a shot with Mario Lopez. As we all do.
The Substance fans, celebrate! Margaret Qualley and Demi Moore appeared on stage together as presenters with jokes about respecting the weekly balance that their film characters had to. And it thankfully didn't lead to anyone turning into a huge, monstrous glob of body parts.
AWARD #4: Best Performance By A Male Actor In A Television Series – Drama goes to Hiroyuki Sanada for Shōgun, marking the television veteran's first win. You're not gonna find a tuxedo as sharp as Sanada's on Shōgun, understandably.
As more commercials air, let's take a moment to remember that Zoe Saldaña, as the first recipient of the night, had her speech interrupted by music. So if the music plays and then stops for anyone else, I'm giving them this kind of side-eye.
The Golden Globes just set up a wild precedent by letting Nikki Glaser joke about cutting off a mid-show sketch because of how stupid it is. "Pope-ular" could have been a hit, too.
Kathy Bates complaining about overpriced gummy bears in hotel minibars....not a highlight as much as her excellent outfit. But it thankfully led to another winner being announced.
AWARD #5: Best Performance By A Female Actor In A Supporting Role On Television goes to Jessica Gunning for Baby Reindeer.
AWARD #7: Best Performance By A Male Actor In A Supporting Role On Television goes to Tadanobu Asano for a show that could very well sweep the Globes' TV categories: Shōgun.
The White Lotus vet Jennifer Coolidge came out with a presenter speech that was as airy and non sequitur as anything, and it was honestly more fun to watch everyone's reactions in the background, since there wasn't another celeb there to block them.
AWARD #8: Best Performance By A Male Actor In A Television Series – Musical Or Comedy goes to Jeremy Allen White for The Bear, but the actor wasn't in the building to accept it, so Coolidge did on his behalf. Will she give it back? Stay tuned.
Morris Chestnut is wearing perhaps the most vivid tuxedo of the night, which was even brighter than co-presenter Kaley Cuoco's energetic personality. He's 2025's Red One, assuming that becomes a thing, which it shouldn't.
AWARD #9: Best Screenplay – Motion Picture goes to Peter Straughan for his script for Conclave.
Already calling it here: Nate Bargatze will host next year's Golden Globes, or perhaps even this year's Emmy's. The stand-up comedian crushes it on SNL and on the stand-up front, so that outcome is more natural than [insert the name of that one celebrity with the surgery-enhanced face, you know the one].
AWARD #10: Best Performance in Stand-Up Comedy on Television goes to Ali Wong for Ali Wong: Single Lady, one year after taking home the award for her work in Netflix's Beef.
Rather than watching ads, I'd rather share some random adoration for the following:
1. Cynthia Erivo's godlike nail game
2. Emma Stone's pixie hairdo
3. Ali Wong's soft tendrils-n-stuff dress
The "incomparable" Sharon Stone taking the stage is always a delight. She seemed to handle the teleprompter duties better than most of the other presenters, perhaps because her eyes were...more wide and focused than others, we'll say. I quite loved the look of her dress as well.
AWARD #11: Best Motion Picture - Non-English Language goes to Emilia Pérez (France), with writer/director Jacques Audiard taking the stage with a translator. A great speech in general, and the translation joke for "Ted Sarandos" gets ten extra comedy points.
Anya Taylor Joy looks like a million monochromatic bucks standing next to the scruffy-faced Miles Teller, especially while rocking that beyond-gorgeous necklace.
AWARD #12: Best Performance by a Male Actor In A Limited Series, Anthology Series, Or Motion Picture Made For Television went to Colin Farrell for his prosthetic-heavy work on HBO's The Penguin. It was properly in Oz's character for Farrell to immediately joke that it was his work alone that led to the win.
Thank you, Seth Rogen, for somehow being the first to point out how awkward the camera angles have become for the presenters, which allow viewers to see things such as his bald spot, per his words, and "Elle Fanning checking her nails while Seth Rogen is talking," per my own words.
Co-starring together in the upcoming Apple TV+ series The Studio, Rogen and co-presenter Catherine O'Hara unleashed a horde of juvenile-skewing jokes about winning the Beaver award for the Moose Knuckles films, including the sequel Knuckles Deep, and O'Hara's work on the film Otter's Tale, in which her character nursed a sick otter back to health with her breastmilk.
AWARD #13: Best Performance by a Female Actor In A Limited Series, Anthology Series, Or Motion Picture Made For Television goes to Jodie Foster for True Detective: Night Country. If you're wondering how she beat out Cate Blanchett's work in Disclaimer or Cristin Milioti's performance in The Penguin, I have only one thing to say: "You're asking the wrong questions!"
Sofia Vergara's frustrated reaction going into the commercial was clearly played for the camera right in her face, but was it actually jokey?
Andrew Garfield and Kerry Washington, both looking as sharp as a drawer full of tacks, co-presented for the following:
AWARD #14: Best Performance By A Female Actor In A Motion Picture – Musical Or Comedy goes to Demi Moore for The Substance, marking the actress' first ever major awards win for her acting work. It was exactly the meaningful kind of acceptance speech that one would expect from her after playing the role Elisabeth Sparkle. Big applause. Big energy. All worth it.
AWARD #15: Best Performance By A Male Actor In A Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy goes to Sebastian Stan for A Different Man, which sparked a speech about accepting others who look different.
We're now at the MIDWAY POINT OF THE SHOW!!! Can you believe it?!? Whether it's in the sense of "Can you believe we're only halfway done?" or...you know...the more positive way.
Captain America: Brave New World co-stars Anthony Mackie and Harrison Ford, my second desired team-up for a future True Detective season, presented the award for Best Animated Movie, which tapped into irony territory for how unanimated Ford was up there.
AWARD #16: Best Motion Picture – Animated goes to Gints Zilbalodis' fantasy adventure Flow, marking the first time a Latvian film has won a Golden Globe. I was beyond shocked that the movie beat out not just The Wild Robot and Wallace and Gromit's return to theaters, but also two Disney releases.
Michael Keaton took the stage for a rather subdued presentation. Not even a striped Beetlejuice-esque suit.
AWARD #17: Best Director - Motion Picture goes to Brady Corbet for The Brutalist. Despite reading his speech from his phone, it was as emotional as any other speech, thanks in part to shots of his loving (and sobbing) daughter, as well as his kind words for Aubrey Plaza and others mourning the death of Jeff Baena.
Chart-topping musicians Elton John and Brandi Carlile came out to co-present for the most logical category.
AWARD #18: Best Original Score went to Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for their work on Challengers.
Instead of keeping John and Carlile on the stage for Best Original Song, the Globes brought out Jeff Goldblum, appearing as if he went back in time to take someone to prom in an alternate universe's version of the 1950s, to joke around with Michelle Yeoh.
AWARD #19: Best Original Song goes to "El Mal," as composed by Clément Ducol, Camille, and Jacques Audiard from their Netflix film Emilia Pérez. Camille's speech was a winner, starting off with the observation that the Golden Globes is such an American experience. It really "shook the house" as it were.
Vin Diesel and his thick-ass neck hit the stage to talk about blockbuster filmmaking, and looked as if the teleprompter was being blocked by all the liquid courage he imbibed beforehand, which even gave him a little trouble opening the envelope. But you can be damned sure he brought up "family" without err.
AWARD #20: Cinematic and Box Office Achievement goes to Wicked, with director Jon M. Chu sharing quite the rousing acceptance speech in celebrating the film as a true audience-pleaser.
Sarah Paulson and Rachel Brosnahan — whom I was going to pitch as aTrue Detective pairing, but won't because that show is nominated for this category, and it feels like a conflict of interest — took the stage to present the below:
AWARD #21: Best Television Limited Series, Anthology Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television goes to Baby Reindeer, with creator Richard Gadd sharing a lot of excitement for the win, as well as for his hopes to make a movie with Dwayne Johnson.
Gotta love when Melissa McCarthy hits a stage wearing ruffles that potentially take up more space than her co-presenter, which in this case is Awkwafina.
AWARD #22: Best Television Series – Musical Or Comedy goes to, believe it or not, HBO's Hacks, which also took home the big Emmy prize last year.
Co-creator Paul W. Downs gave the speech in front of co-star Hannah Einbinder looking classy AF, sharing the unfortunate update that everyone involved with the show has an early-morning call time. So if there are a couple of scenes in the next season of Hacks where it looks like everyone has a hangover, I think we can all make assumptions.
Oh, to be a fly on a wall partition near the table where Adam Sandler and Jamie Foxx are getting chummy.
Colman Domingo, who should also host an awards show or two in the near future, joins Salma Hayek Pinault with equal aplomb.
AWARD #23: Best Performance in a Television Series – Drama Actress goes to Anna Sawai for Shōgun, and not only did she give Kathy Bates love by saying that's who she'd vote for, she also kept her speech short and said she'd thank the applicable people later. Love it.
The Batman co-stars Zoë Kravitz and Colin Farrell appear as co-presenters, and it's like, could he not have taken the time after his award win earlier to put on hours' worth of prosthetics to come out looking like The Penguin's lead? Where's the sacrifice, Colin?
AWARD #24: Best Television Series - Drama goes to Shōgun, which joined other major categories in mirroring Emmy winners. Creator Justin Marks' speech was a fun one that was the only speech of the night, at least so far, that featured the phrase "Han Solo is looking at us."
EGOT stunner Viola Davis emerged in a sparkly black dress with hypnotically colored sleeves for the following:
AWARD #25: Best Performance in a Motion Picture – Drama Actress goes to Fernanda Torres for her stellar work in I'm Still Here, with a speech that was equally powerful in an obviously shorter burst.
Not a whole lot to say about Edgar Ramirez and Gal Gadot presenting the following:
AWARD #26: Best Performance in a Motion Picture – Drama Actor goes to a tearful Adrien Brody for The Brutalist, whose speech definitely added to Nikki Glaser's round-up tally of Moms getting thanked.
We're down to the final awards of the night, and I wouldn't necessarily fight it very convincingly if someone tried to gaslight me into thinking this evening's events didn't have a host. I seem to recall someone being on the stage before anyone else... Nic...Nik...Nick Venable. No wait, that's me.
More sincerely, did The Substance's Monstro Elisasue get to Nikki Glaser?
UPDATE: Call off the authorities, Nikki Glaser most definitely took the stage for the honor of introducing Hollywood legend Glenn Close.
Something weird happened while she was talking. Can't tell if she said "fucking" or if someone behind the scenes made a technical error, after which that person probably said "fucking" something or other as well.
AWARD #27: Best Motion Picture - Drama goes to The Brutalist, with Brady Corbet bringing his daughter up on stage after the adorable moment for his directorial win. His speech reflected on being told multiple times that his three-and-a-half-hour film was undistributable, bolstered by the big line "Final cut tie-break goes to the director"
Nicolas Cage has the honor of presenting the final award of the night, so he might as well be my final choice for co-stars of a future season of True Detective, obviously in dual roles as it went for Adaptation.
AWARD #28: Best Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical goes to Emilia Pérez, another truly impressive win for the film. Nominee Karla Sofía Gascón had the honor of stepping up to give an emotional acceptance speech, and I'll be very interested to see how this movie does going forward in awards season.
THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS. This year's Golden Globes started with a whimper, and ended with a softer whimper, with Nikki Glaser joking about her pope song from what seems like 36 hours earlier in the night at this point.
All in all, I'd give this year's telecast a C-. When the highlights compilation that plays over the end credits counts as one of the coolest moments from the entire telecast, it's saying something. And that something is "Try better and do harder," or a different combination of those words.
Thank you all for joining me on this globular journey. And congratulations to all the winners, as well as the losers that I feel were more deserving.